"Leave me here in my Stark Raving, Sick, Sad, Little World"

I feel so lonely all the time, yet I have no desire to be around people either. Even the people I love. It just seems like making friends requires so much effort and for what? People are good at one thing alone, letting you down. You have to put so much time into any sort of relationship, and why? To watch it turn to shit someday. And as far as friends go, it's much easier just to be alone. Then you don't have anyone trying to use you, or making your life more dramatic. Maybe I just feel this way because most of the people I have met in the last five years are methheads and alcoholics. I just get so frustrated with putting myself out there, putting my heart on the line, only to have it stomped on.

What the fuck is wrong with the world? What the fuck is wrong with me! I feel so bat shit crazy half the time. It complicates everything. I just want to feel like a normal human being. I want my "thoughts to control my emotions" and not the other way around. But how does one accomplish such a desire? If my mind is programmed this way, how do I rewire it?

For those of you who don't know I have been diagnosed with several mental disorders including Dissasociative Identity Disorder (which I do NOT  believe is true), and bi polar. I'm only on my abilify but I'm suppose to be on a lot more medication than that. It's like all my emotions are on overdrive constantly, and I have massive moods swings, and very rarely episode where I black out. That hasn't happened for a while, but I am having trouble recently with remembering anything from the day before.

I know that no one can wave a magic wand and make me all better. I know that if I want these problems fixed I must fix them myself. But it would be really nice to have some support at least. And for once, it would be really nice to just be able to be....me....